Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
she told me i tasted like america
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
