It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
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I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
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Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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