I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
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It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
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Blow job season was short but glorious.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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