considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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