Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
