You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You have to summon your inner elephant
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
