Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
