I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
