I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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