just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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