saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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