she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
