You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
