I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
this just has baby written all over it
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
