I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
dude i'm inner monologue high
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
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