Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
So squirting runs in the family.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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