when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
