I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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