Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
