I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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