Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
