i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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