david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
