his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
