Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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