I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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