Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
