If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
