Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
