i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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