I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
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