Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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