last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
