I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
