sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
