just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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