with your own penis?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
