The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
