They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
