you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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