im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
