Girls should come with a carfax report
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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