do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
