3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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