I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
