I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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