you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
