guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
