I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
