I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
