Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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