my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
