Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
sarcasm needs its own font
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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