quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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