I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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