I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
