you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You can't just leave with hair like that
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
